I've been having a bad time for, well, a couple of years now. Since the restaurant closed, and then since Kate lost her job. It gets worse and worse and worse. Nothing I try seems to improve the general lot of the household. I feel very stuck.
The past week or two have been a mess. I have delayed phase sleep disorder, which is to say that my personal diurnal cycle is a few hours longer than an actual day, and doesn't reset properly at the end of one. Without a schedule to keep to, I just go to sleep later and later until I'm sleeping all day instead of all night. In my house, we refer to it as rolling forward, and to being on an all night schedule as being upside down.
So I was upside down, and decided to roll all the way forward until I was right way up again. Having late morning and afternoon as the end of my day is very disorienting, as is going to sleep when it's light and waking up when it's dark, and I tend to spend several days fuzzy-headed and useless while rolling around. This, of course, is bad for accomplishing things, and so bad for my self-esteem.
Yesterday, as I finally achieved a useful schedule, I was feeling like a totally useless and worthless human being. No marketable skills, can't even find a retail job, haven't even gotten very basic stuff done for a week, like weaving and studying. I finally managed to shake it off in the afternoon, got out the triloom and did some weaving. I felt so much better for it that I managed to put in an hour on Ruby, and smashed the hell out of that Roman numeral problem. (I'm still pleased with myself for that. And once I lick the next level of that, I'll have the technique I need to finally make the geomancy script work. I think. And apparently Roman numerals is one of those problems that's well known for just being annoying as fuck to code for.) We got out the door and to the food back, sold some books, bought some groceries, and basically got everything done that needed to get done. Kate managed to get some stuff done that had been building pressure behind it, too. A good day in the end.
Now, I had the excellent blog Little Red Tarot hanging around in a tab for a couple of months, and finally started reading it regularly in February. Good reviews of decks, intruiging new spreads, cool stuff. For the Equinox, she posted a spread for Spring Cleaning, and I let that hang out in a tab for a week, meaning to get around to it once I was right side up again.
So this morning, I tried it out, and I must say it rather nailed me, despite my initial bafflement at a couple of those cards.
Spring cleaning spread:
1 & 2 – You, now
Sun, Seven of Pentacles
You are brilliant and skilled, don’t forget it.
3 & 4 – All that junk under the bed – and how to tackle it
Page of Wands, The Devil
You have an image of yourself as a dilettante, as flitting from one thing to another as a new shiny comes along. Do not let that image limit you.
5, 6 & 7 – Redecoration! Fresh ideas
Queen of Wands, Two of Swords, Magician
Yes, you have many passions, many interests. This is a strength, not a weakness. Yes, you must choose things to focus on, but that choice comes again and again. Don’t choose forever, choose for now. You are good at many things.
8 – …and it really is time to chuck this out
Stop thinking you can change everything. Stop thinking that one thing will change everything. Stop thinking there is one big solution.
It was that last card that really baffled me as I started to lay them out. I had glanced over the spread description, and remembered that last position as "…and it really is time to chuck this out". How do I throw out Death, I though? What the hell?
But once I worked through the whole spread and reached it, it was clear as a bell. This spread was about spring cleaning my head, my thinking. The position was an idea I needed to get rid of. And what I needed to get rid of was the idea that I could make one big sweeping change, fix everything at once. What a ridiculous notion, now that I consider it carefully. Silly me.
I've gotten used to myself as not having any marketable skills, any skills that can make us money, because I can't find a job. Can't even figure out what to look for a job doing.
But I do have skills. I just need to figure out how to use them, figure out what to do with them. And stop thinking so badly of myself.